Today is like any other day but with something added for me.
I turn 55 today.
I look back at what it was when I was 20, 30, 40, 50....and now 55.
I can get insecure, I'm not going to lie.
For today, right now, I am insecure.
Tomorrow, 30 minutes from now is another story.
Looking back at what I have done from raising two children, and now having 2 grandchildren.
I looked at my mistakes and my accomplishments, my happiness, etc.
I recall things from my past where I wasn't too nice to where I was way too nice.
I have made more mistakes then you can imagine.
I have cried already for the only reason is a number...55.
I have pondered for days on turning 55.
I have never been a fan of birthday's.
As a kid birthday's were really not a big deal (or as I remember).
My birthday either fell on Father's Day or close to it, many times, more then I care to recall, it was overlooked.
Kind of like anyone else whose birthday is close to a holiday or time of celebration.
I'm grayer than I was last year (love my stylist!), a few more wrinkles ( I buy more wrinkle creams) , things heading south on the body ( I do more yoga)
I am smarter then I was at all those other milestones.
Yet, I still look back and wonder which I believe is very human like and expected at any age.
I look at the people who I lost in my life from either death to just friends & family fading away.
I look at my relationships with those close to me now or who were once close to me.
I look at my losses and gains.
Would I trade?
What is there to trade?
Youth vs Aging?
I am mentally & physically going to the direction of aging obviously.
I am gaining wisdom and learning what is important in my life and what isn't.
Do I still long for things in my past, yes. (this is only physically looking)
You can sit back and wonder if you would of done things differently, everything would be different.
Going back means you would have to give up what is present.
Somethings, I am not willing to give up just for a number.
I mentally feel 30, my body knows it's 55 on some days.
Many years ago, I often wondered what I would 'look like' at this age.
Now I know.
I'm not completely happy where some things on my body have landed I have to admit.
If I wondered - then I'll probably always wonder what life will bring me. I like to think about the possibilites.
I'm getting older.
One day...... I'll embrace aging with open arms.
Today, this age, I'm still not there, I'll fully admit that.
I am a work in progress.